You don’t need to be an alcoholic to have a problem with alcohol. Many people still believe that raging alcoholics are the only people who abuse alcohol. There are many signs that indicate you may have a problem, and one of the biggest is the way in which drinking effects your relationships. Whether it’s with your kids, spouse, parents or anyone else important to you, if alcohol is negatively impacting your relationships with other people, you have a problem.

Relationship Problems Signal Alcohol Abuse

Having a problem with alcohol does not look the same from one person to the next. There are varying degrees, from the initial stages of abuse to full-blown non-functioning alcoholic. If you are questioning your relationship with alcohol, you should be aware of the signs of abuse. One of the most obvious ones is continuing to drink in spite of problems it creates in your relationships. Maybe you and your spouse only fight when you’re drunk. Or, you forget to pick your kids up from activities because you’re out at the bar with friends. Whatever it is, if drinking is at the root of a problem in one of your relationships, you are abusing alcohol.

Alcohol Makes You Argue

One of the things many of us like about drinking is that it makes us feel bolder. Alcohol works in the brain to lower inhibitions, which is why you may feel more inclined to speak your mind when you’ve been drinking. An argument you would never start when sober often feels right when you’re tipsy. Arguing on a regular basis, especially unfruitful arguments fueled by alcohol, is not good for any relationship. Furthermore, many people also get aggressive when drinking. If you are normally a peaceful person but you feel angry when you drink, the people you care about around you are the ones who will suffer from your wrath.

Alcohol Takes Priority in Your Life

Constant arguing is bad for your relationships, but so is neglect. Another common relationship problem fueled by drinking is misplacement of priorities. If your spouse feels neglected because you would rather go out drinking with buddies, you are placing alcohol ahead of her on your list. The same can often happen with kids. Did you miss a school event or a soccer game because you were too drunk to get there? Your children can feel as if they are unimportant to you, which will have a terrible impact on your relationship with them.

You Deny Having a Problem

When your loved ones approach you to discuss your drinking and how it impacts them, do you brush it off? Do you refuse to admit the effect alcohol is having on your life and relationships? If so, this can further exacerbate the issue. If you can admit to the problem and agree to take steps to correct it, your loved ones will most likely support you. On the other hand, if you continue to deny the problem, you will only further damage your relationships. No change can happen until you open your eyes and see what alcohol has done to the relationships you have with the people you care about.

Your drinking may have already trashed any number of relationships in your life, but take away something positive from this. If you can take a step back and see what impact alcohol has had, you are in a position to make changes before it gets worse. Before you succumb to the disease of alcoholism, you can take steps now to turn your life around. Slow or stop your drinking, repair your relationships and move on with your life.

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Helping someone you love admit to having an addiction and agree to get help is a big challenge. It can be tempting to lecture, nag, and even beg your loved one to get help, but sometimes what it really takes is a focused confrontation. When it seems like your loved one will never let go of denial or agree to get help, consider a group intervention. Before you throw one together, make sure you understand what it means to host an intervention, learn how to optimize the chance of success and consider what to do if it fails.

What Is An Intervention?

An intervention is a planned meeting during which you and other loved ones confront someone who is struggling with addiction. While interventions have traditionally involved asking the addict to sit and be quiet while others talk, more recently they have become more like conversations. The more modern approach allows the addict to bring up his concerns and to ask questions in a safe environment. The idea is to not blame or shame the addict, but to make sure he understands how many people care about him, are worried about him and want to help.

An intervention typically includes a planned approach, specific examples for the addict regarding his behaviors and their consequences, and a statement from all of the participants regarding what they will do if he continues to refuse help. Participants may include family members, friends, coworkers and sometimes an addiction professional.

What Makes An Intervention Successful?

You can never guarantee that your intervention will be successful (success is measured by the willingness of the addict to accept and get help), but you can ensure the best odds of success by carefully preparing for the event. An intervention should start with thorough planning that includes participants, deciding what each person will say and even having an outline for how the event will proceed. Practicing ahead of time is also a good idea, as is asking each person to write down what he or she wants to say.

A good intervention should also include specific consequences. For instance, you might tell the addict that you are cutting off financial support if he refuses to get help. Each person participating should be ready with a consequence to help motivate the addict to accept treatment. It is also important to select the timing of the intervention carefully. It would be best if your loved one is sober, so choose a time and day that this is most likely to be the case. And finally, be ready with treatment options.

When To Rely On A Professional Interventionist

There are addiction professionals who specialize in planning and hosting interventions and if you feel that you cannot handle holding one on your own, consider consulting with one of these specialists. There are other good reasons to turn to a seasoned interventionist professional: if your loved one has a serious mental illness, has a history of violence, cannot be counted on to be sober for the event or if he shows signs of suicidal behaviors or attitudes. In these cases, confronting your loved one may be beyond your abilities.

When An Intervention Plan Doesn’t Work

As you prepare for the intervention, be ready for the possibility that your loved one will continue to deny his problem and refuse to get treatment. Make sure that everyone involved is prepared to follow through with the consequences that you are setting for him. If it means cutting this person out of your life because of the harm he is causing you, be ready to do it. Remember that you cannot control his choices or his behaviors. You can offer him all the help in the world, but only he can accept it.

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The nature of addiction has been debated for decades. The prevailing current view is that addiction is not a choice; it’s a chronic illness that affects the brain. Some, however, even addiction experts, reject this categorization and insist that addiction is a rational choice. There are dangers on both sides. Defining addiction as a disease may give addicts a sense of hopelessness and lack of control. Blaming addicts for their choices, on the other hand, results in stigma and shame.

When coping with a loved one who is addicted, it is important to understand what the research really tells us. While there is still room for debate, the evidence is overwhelming that addicts have a chronic brain disease. By better understanding how drugs or alcohol have changed a loved one’s brain, you may be able to find the patience and compassion to help him.

Addiction Defined

Modern research has uncovered some of the secrets of addiction. Those at the forefront of addiction expertise and treatment follow evidence-based practices and learn from medical research. With that in mind, the American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as “a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry.” In other words, to the best knowledge of those who study and treat addiction, addiction is a disease of the brain.

How Drugs Affect The Brain

If addiction is a disease of the brain, what exactly does that mean? It is easy to comprehend what a disease is. For instance, asthma is a disease that affects the respiratory system. Inflamed airways make it difficult to breathe. The right medications, avoiding triggers, and following a doctor’s orders all help asthma sufferers stay well and breathe with less difficulty.

Addiction is a disease that affects the brain. The initial use of drugs is a choice, but once in the bloodstream, drugs get into the brain and start to cause changes that impact mood and behavior. The first thing that happens when someone takes a drug is that cells in the brain release large quantities of a chemical called dopamine, which gives the user a sense of euphoria. That great feeling encourages subsequent and repeated drug use in order to recapture the euphoria.

Drugs also impact parts of the brain related to memory and self-control. Memories of taking a drug can make the user start to crave it again and again. The way in which drugs affect our control mechanisms in the brain mean that a user’s ability to resist cravings becomes severely impaired. These brain changes caused by drugs and alcohol clearly demonstrate that addiction is far more complex than making choices.

How Is Addiction Chronic?

As you cope with helping a loved one struggling to get into recovery, it is also important to understand the chronic nature of the disease. This means that there is no cure for the disease, only treatments. Like any other chronic illness, addiction is life-long. Relapses are not uncommon, but can be minimized by keeping up with treatments and establishing and maintaining a strong support system. In fact, research shows that rates of relapse among addicts are similar to those among people with other chronic diseases, like asthma.

Watching a loved one’s struggle with addiction is heartbreaking and frustrating. From the outside looking in, it can be difficult to understand why he doesn’t just stop using drugs. The more you understand his disease, that it impacts his brain and is chronic, the better able you will be to help him and to remain positive and patient with him as he gets treatment.

Read Our Other Posts For Friends And Family Of Addicts

If you have a loved one struggling with addiction, getting her into rehab has probably been your top priority. Now that she’s gone, how do you cope? An important person is missing from your life. You have cared for her, been there for her, tried to help her overcome her addiction, and now you have turned your responsibilities over to someone else. You may be experiencing feelings of loss or guilt. Now is the time to learn how to take care of you, how to feel comfortable letting go, and how to get ready to have a sober loved one return home.

1. Learn About Addiction And Treatment

Information is power and knowing more about what your loved one is going through will help you to better understand her. It will also help you to feel connected to her while you cannot be together. Read up on addiction, what it is, what it means for the addict, and how it impacts everyone around the addict. Learning about this disease will give you important insights into your situation.

You should also learn more about addiction treatment so that you know what is happening with your loved one at rehab. You may not be able to hold her hand through the process, but you will feel more comfortable when you understand what it entails. It may also be possible for you to get involved in her treatment at some level. Most rehab facilities offer family counseling as a component of treatment. Be sure to volunteer for these sessions to give you a chance to see your loved one and to participate in her care.

2. Join A Support Group

Being on the outside can be tough. You want to be there with her, helping her along the way. Surrendering that control to others is not always easy. One important way to cope with your feelings is to share with and learn from others. There are numerous support groups available to help the loved ones of addicts. They can be general groups that include all loved ones of addicts, or more specific. The great benefit in joining a support group is to share the burden of your grief, your guilt and all the other negative emotions attached to your loved one’s addiction and treatment.

3. Find Your Passion

As you learn to cope with having temporarily lost your loved one to rehab and treatment, it is important that you tend to yourself. For a long time you have cared for the addict in your life. You have looked out for her needs and spent so much of your time and energy worrying about her. Now that she is in the capable hands of treatment specialists, you can take care of you.

One of the best ways to do that is to focus on what you love to do. Return to an old hobby that you once felt passionate about or try something new that you have always wanted to do. The road ahead will be difficult and having something that’s entirely yours that you feel passionate about will help you cope both now and in the future.

4. Accept And Trust That Everything Will Be Ok – No Matter What

Having a loved one in rehab can be stressful for you. Just remember that you have left her in good hands with professionals who have experience treating addicts and who care about the patients they treat. Also remind yourself of how necessary this step was. She would never have been able to heal without professional treatment. Take care of yourself, participate in her sessions where possible and be ready to welcome back your sober loved one.

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Binge drinking is a term used to describe heavy drinking. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), binge drinking means having enough drinks in a two hour period to achieve a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.08, a level at which a person is considered to be intoxicated. Binge drinking is increasingly common, but does it make a person an alcoholic or addicted to alcohol? The answer is not so simple.

The Risks Of Binge Drinking

For women, binge drinking typically means having four or more drinks in a two-hour period. For men, it means having five or more drinks. Consuming this much alcohol in one sitting, or more, is detrimental to your health. And if you drink this way, you are not alone. One in every six adults in the U.S. binges four times a month. Each binge includes eight drinks on average. This is a lot of alcohol.

Binge drinking can lead to a number of health problems, not least of which is dependence on alcohol, or alcoholism. It can also cause:

• liver disease
• high blood pressure
• heart attack
• stroke
• neurological damage
• complications if you have diabetes

Binge drinking also leads to:

• accidents and injuries
• alcohol poisoning
• fetal alcohol syndrome
• unintended pregnancies
• problems with relationships
• strain on career and finances

What Is Alcoholism?

So does binge drinking make you an alcoholic? Not necessarily. Addictive disorders are most often diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The fifth version of this manual recently came out with new criteria for alcohol addiction. The fourth edition listed alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence (alcoholism) as two separate disorders. The fifth edition merged the two into one disorder: alcohol use disorder. A person can be diagnosed as having a mild, moderate or severe case of alcohol use disorder.

According to the fifth edition, to have an alcohol use disorder you must have two of the eleven symptoms listed in the manual. Having two or three symptoms represents a mild case. Binge drinking is not listed as a symptom, but several of the symptoms could result from binge drinking. For instance, one symptom is drinking more than you intended to on a particular occasion. Many binge drinkers could claim doing this. Another symptom is trying to drink less, but failing. Again, this can happen with binge drinking.

There are several other symptoms that could go hand-in-hand with binge drinking. This means that if you binge drink and end up having two of these symptoms, you could be diagnosed as having mild alcohol use disorder. If the risks of binge drinking are not enough to make you want to slow down, maybe this fact is.

Stopping Binge Drinking

Moderate drinking is not harmful to your health, unless you have specific conditions that are exacerbated by alcohol. If you binge drink regularly, consider cutting back to moderate drinking levels. If you don’t, you put yourself at risk for a number of health problems. Not least of these is alcohol use disorder. If you could qualify for a diagnosis of mild now, you are on the path to having moderate or severe alcohol use disorder later.

Being a moderate drinker means having no more than three drinks per day and seven per week if you are a woman. If you are a man, have no more than four drinks per day and 14 in a week. Cutting back is important for your health, but if you find you can’t, you may need to get help. Rely on friends and family to support you in drinking less, or find a support group to join. You don’t need to be a full-blown alcoholic to ask for help. Doing so now could save you disastrous consequences in the future.

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The struggle of a spouse coping with an addicted partner is one that is often discussed, written about and addressed as an important element of addiction treatment. What we don’t hear about as often are the cases in which both partners in a marriage are battling addiction. For a spouse who has never had an addiction, watching her loved one struggle and trying to lend support and love is an extreme challenge. If both people are addicted, it magnifies the problem. How do you support each other when you are each battling your own addiction demons and trying to stay clean?

Should I Get Addiction Treatment With My Spouse?

The most important decision you both need to make is to each get help. How you do that and what resources you use to get help are less important than taking that first step. Once you have both agreed that you need the care of addiction professionals, you are ready to face the rest of your journey. The next question to be answered is whether you go it alone or try to go through rehab together.

The good news is that you have options. Addiction treatment has advanced tremendously over the last couple of decades. There are many more ways in which you can get care, and if you want to, you can do it together. One benefit of working together is that you both stand a better chance of being on the same page if you receive the same program of treatment from the same professionals. Different treatment programs adhere to different philosophies and when you both work with the same one, you will understand each other better. Working together will also give you the opportunity to address your relationship issues as well as your addictions.

One philosophy of addiction treatment says that you should be solely focused on yourself. If you work together on your treatment, you may fall into bad relationship habits and fail to devote yourself entirely to your own healing process. Discuss your options together and consider asking the opinions of addiction professionals as well. You can always change your plan if working together or apart does not go as you hoped it would.

What If My Spouse Won’t Commit To Treatment?

As long as you both are committed to getting treatment for your individual problems, your relationship stands a chance of surviving your addictions. What happens if one of you refuses treatment or won’t follow through with it? This situation can be incredibly difficult for both partners. If you are moving forward and your spouse is falling behind, you have a major problem. Staying together means that your spouse could drag you back into addiction. If you separate, it could mean that your spouse falls into an even deeper hole.

The ultimate decision as to how to handle a spouse who won’t join you on your journey to sobriety is personal. Only you can decide what is right for you and your relationship, but know that you likely won’t last long if one of you is abusing drugs or alcohol while the other is in recovery. It’s a volatile situation that is bound to blow up. If your spouse refuses to get help, do everything in your power to encourage him or her do so so. If you can’t, it may be time to move on. It will feel like a terrible abandonment, but you can only change yourself. Your transformation into a healthy and sober person may even be the push needed to get your spouse to follow suit.

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Addiction can wreak complete havoc on a marriage. The addict partner may neglect or even abuse his or her spouse, drain the family’s finances, and be completely unavailable to any family member. The resulting feelings in the non-addicted spouse often include depression, resentment, anger, and even outright hatred. It seems inevitable that these marriages are headed for divorce, but when both partners make a commitment to work through the issues, that outcome can be avoided.

How Can The Addict Turn Things Around?

If you are the addict and you want to save your life and your marriage, the first and most important thing you can do is to get treatment for your addiction. Commit to your treatment plan and work hard to get sober and stay sober. This step is a powerful statement to your spouse about your intentions. Actions always speak louder than words; if you have promised your spouse again and again that you would get help but didn’t follow through, only action will save you now.

In spite of making the move to get help and make things better, some marriages fall apart once the addicted spouse enters recovery. Seeking addiction treatment means more time that you need to focus on yourself and your recovery to the neglect of others. As you go into rehab, talk to your spouse and explain that you will need to be self-involved for a little bit longer, and that it is necessary in order for you to get well again. Ask for patience and time. Involving your spouse in the process to some extent can be helpful for your marriage. Consider including some therapy sessions with the both of you so you can start working on rebuilding your relationship as you learn to be sober.

How Can A Spouse Forgive?

If you are the non-addict, forgiveness and repairing your relationship with your spouse may seem impossible. You have been hurt and ignored, time and time again, but as long as your spouse is seeking treatment, there is hope. Start on the path to forgiveness by learning more about addiction. The more you understand the disease, the more likely you will be to develop some compassion for your spouse.

It may also be helpful for you to seek some counseling. See a therapist who specializes in helping people who have been hurt by addicts. Also consider joining a support group for the loved ones of addicts. You can learn a lot from the experiences of others who have been in your position. The support and camaraderie can also be a powerful tool for healing. Once you have taken the time to work on yourself, be prepared to forgive and to get involved in your spouse’s treatment. Your marriage cannot move forward if you still harbor grudges and resentments.

What if Divorce Is The Best Option?

Despite your best efforts your marriage may be headed for failure. How do you know if divorce is your best option? If you are the recovering addict, no matter how much you try, your spouse may not be able to forgive you or get past the damage you have caused. If you are the injured party, you may try everything to get your spouse to stay clean, but you see failure again and again. If you can’t live with your spouse anymore, you may need to follow through with a divorce. Even if you do split up, keeping up with therapy for both spouses is crucial. You have both been damaged and you both need healing, no matter what happens to your marriage.

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Asking for help is never easy. It means admitting something you’d rather not and that you need other people. When you need help for addiction you may also feel ashamed or guilty. Perhaps most difficult is asking for help from the loved ones who have suffered because of your addiction. Asking for help is crucial because no one can overcome addiction alone. Be brave and talk to the loved ones you hurt. You may be surprised to find they still support you, no matter what.

How Do I Get Past the Shame Of Addiction?

Shame is a terrible symptom of substance abuse and addiction and a common roadblock to asking for help. Understand that it is normal to feel this way. The natural response to the shame that accompanies addiction is to bury it and to deny having a problem, but this won’t help you in the long run. Shame means realizing that you are imperfect and once you accept that fact, asking for help becomes easier. No one is perfect and knowing this fact can help you connect with your loved ones who will most likely be ready to support you, even though you hurt them in the past.

Learning more about your addiction can also help you to let go of shame. Read up on addiction and the latest research findings and you will see that it is a disease. Being addicted started with a choice you made, but it persists because it is a true illness that affects you physically and psychologically.

How Do I Get Past The Fear Of Rejection?

Another major roadblock to asking your loved ones for help is the fear that they will turn their backs on you. Why shouldn’t they? After all, you have broken their trust, let them down and maybe you even hurt them emotionally or physically because of your addiction. You probably see yourself now as unworthy of their love and help.

You have to see yourself as worthy of your loved ones’ time and attention. If you can’t see that, you may never ask for the help you desperately need. Think back to a time before your addiction. Remember the kind of person you were and the relationships you had with your family. Maybe you and your sister were best friends. You can probably remember a time when you were a help to your parents, rather than a burden. When you can remember the positives in the past, you can imagine a future in which you are sober again. Your loved ones will remember the old you too and will not likely reject your request for help.

How Do I Ask For Help?

Once you have recognized, acknowledged and gotten past your shame and fear, it’s time to take action. First, pick the person you think is most likely to be ready and willing to support you as you seek recovery from your addiction. For most people this means turning to a close family member, like a parent or a sibling. You know your family and friends best, so choose the person or people you think will help you in spite of all you have done to hurt them.

It never hurts to practice, so plan what you want to say. You might want to start with apologies, but be sure to stick with the main message, which is that you are ready to get help. Acknowledge out loud to your loved ones that you hurt them. They will appreciate that you are not ignoring your past wrongs. Also find a time that is conducive to a long talk. Don’t stop your loved ones on their way out the door. Take the time to find your voice and the courage you need to speak up. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that your loved ones are still there for you.

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